Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
