You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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