His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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