i need an iv and a liver transplant
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize