Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize