thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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