Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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