All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
did i walk over a car last night?
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
