so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
