My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Randomize
