I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Randomize
