I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
