Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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