i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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