so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
