She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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