I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Randomize
