we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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