I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
