So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
