I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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