I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
