i was born a porn star she said
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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