Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
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