also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
