I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
