sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
