I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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