She went from zero to smokin in five shots
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
he thought i was a dude.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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