The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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