What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Randomize
