If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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