Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i was looking up hair salons in ithaca for the wedding and one is a hair salon/ sake bar! you can have sake or champagne while you get your hair done!
question, how would one sake-bomb while getting hair done without getting a horrible haircut?
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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