Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
