I must be too annoying 4 u.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
