if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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