she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
We left the knife in your bed.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize