im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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