and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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