So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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