Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
