for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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