i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
In America we eat man semen.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
