im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
MIDGETS
????
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Randomize
