Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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