My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
