I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
