Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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