Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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