So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
