she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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