so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
