just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize