I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
It was like getting head from an anaconda
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
