the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
