While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
