...so i touched it.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
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