what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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