And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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