remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
