Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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