Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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