Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
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