I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
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