me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Randomize
