just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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