he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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