if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
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