she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
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