omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Randomize
