beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
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