life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
this hospital has no fireball
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
