I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
