i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
