Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
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