Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Vodka?
Forever.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
